Vincent's Blog
good evening and welcome to the blog

Man, I want to buy a sort of low end but sufficient capable, high memory FPGA with a VGA output and attempt to program a graphics card.  At least have it output a block of memory (framebuffer) on to the analog monitor with it's built in resistor network digital to analog converter.  There was this mofo at the IRC developing a hobby FPGA board with a bunch of inputs and outputs for peripheral devices, one of them VGA of course and I guess some USB or PS/2 inputs for keyboards and mice, perhaps.  #1, I want to buy the bitch but it is $65 fuckin dollars and the software to program it isn't multiplatform man.  Idk, what FPGA I want.  I guess alera is familiar but there's the xilinx or watever and probably some other random, perhaps stand alone, chips but I want a full board with like USB Blaster and all the bullshit man.  Guys, send me and FPGA with VGA output please.  I want the bitch,  idk if i'll hold off the drugs to afford one.  I also want a bigger monitor:  a nice widescreen mofo for multitasking perhaps even big enough for a nice a fancy tiling WM which are cool.  I can then use this 1024x768 bitch for the VGA experimentation.  I suppose a good first project for this FPGA is a 3D (of course) graphing calculator.  RPN input is easy to parse in hardware and shit and can have a lot of fun trying to ouput the bitch to nice monitor (minotaur) 3D.  I want to develop a bad ass home made graphics card something a little cooler than the IBM video graphics adapter.
I recall this day, man, I was messing around.  I heard a woman's voice say something along the lines of "hey old man, look at me."  I looked at my window and there was a strange woman's face peeking through the curtains, but clearly inside the glass.  A disembodied face.  Once I looked at her, she said, "come here."  There was no fuckin way I was going to go there haha.  I can communicate with these people with my internal monologue and they can here me.  They can sometimes tell that they know I can see them but sometimes they don't believe it and keep staring at me.  Perhaps they are surprised I can see them.  Sometimes I solve their major universal problems or disputes with complicated back & forth discussions and then realize I'm alone in my room staring at the carpet and it turns into a dissapointment as if this whole thing was in vain but also incredible pride that my mind can produce this complex scenario.
fuckin hard core
hey guys I was into this canadian vodka for a while - polar ice - 40% ABV and it was cool and all but I kind of got tired of it.  I tried some of this rum that was bacardi 151 and it is apparently 75% ABV which seems cool and all but I think it's dangerous.  You drink it fine no problem but for watever reason, perhaps it's fiberous nature, it takes a while to kick in and it's a bit dangerous.  I am at a point beyond my expectation and it's at like DPH+alcohol+150mg DXM+ opium tea and it's quite intoxicating.  Idk why this shit takes a while to kick in but keep that in mind guys
I've tried adding a choline supplement, 15 grams of soy lecithin in capsule form, to my 3rd plat DXM trip and see no notable difference for the third time.  I'm wildy curious as to what will happen if you mix levodopa and carbidopa with DXM but am worried that it would result in a painful death.  I don't think it will cause seratonin syndrome but something tells me that something will go terribly wrong.  IDK, requires more research.
I bought 750mg of DXM HBr for something like $8 at a local drug store here in Canada.  I think it's the cheapest DXM only preperation i've found - the issue is you have to deal with the syrup.  Robo gels are more expensive per mg but cutting them up, mixing with water, and filtering out the plastic coating creates a very convinient 99% nausea free preperation
the rumored cock sucking activities that were taking place in Dicktor's apartment complex
l-dopa + carbidopa fuckin hard core man
hey guys wat do you think of my abdominal muscles work out routine.  The abdominal muscles inspire the most workout routines aimed at this muscle group from the fitness industry propoganda.  so here's my personal routine - free of charge

warm up: 
    jog/bike/some lunges/watever first jus to warm & loosen up -artbitrary
    then, around 3 sets of light barbell good mornings
work out:
    start wit a few light sets of standing barbell abdomen twists
    3 work sets of 20  standing barbell abdomen twists

    3 sets of 5 to 10 the exercise were you hang from a pull-up bar and bring your feet to touch the bar.  or knees touch the elbows.  add weight.  watever variation your strenght and preferences permit

    3 sets of 5 to 10 reps of weighted ab wheel roll outs

then das it 
For so many days
And too many hours
He trained them to burst
With six-hundred horse-powers.
Bicycling on opiates is pretty fun guys.  I've been sort of curious to try it out but've been concerned about say getting too tired/out of breath quickly, not enjoying it & wanting to lounge around and rest, OR the aerobic activity diminishing the high.  It turns out it's pretty amusing, even if slightly accelerating the dehydration perhaps welcoming a headache or such.  A lot of the bicycle discomfort such as saddle pain and leg, perhaps back, soreness being reduced.  I like an aerodynamic road bicycle.  A bit of nodding is fun and isn't a big issue, just slightly more effort staying on the road.

I like to stay on the trail, so minimal motor and pedestarian traffic welcomes a couple of gulps of vodka to enhance the experience.

All in all not bad guys:  I'm amused and shittened.

* * *

check out this hideous ascii art from maxima
x / [ 1 2 I --- dt ] 2 / t 0 e erf(x) = ----------- sqrt(pi)
/ [ - n - 1 n! I f(t) (t - z) dt ] n / d C --- (f(z)) = ----------------------------- n 2 π i dz
this fat cock is a work of fine art
fuckin hard core darjeeling counterfiet tea offering to lord shiva lord of determinism
wat can one do about insect man?
I've been probing the operational amplifier pretty hard core.  I want to get the bitch pissing out waveforms
if(event.button.button == 4) {
						viewx -=(event.motion.x - screen->w/2)/zoom;
						viewy -=(event.motion.y - screen->h/2)/zoom;
					} else if(event.button.button == 5 && zoom > 1) {
						viewx +=(event.motion.x - screen->w/2)/zoom;
						viewy +=(event.motion.y - screen->h/2)/zoom;

sometimes when you zoom into shit in graphical programs, not only do you zoom int but you zoom into where the mouse is located.  which is cool i guess. eventually the more you zoom in to the bitch, the once was on the side becomes a center so theres some kind of panning involved.  trying to perfect this behavior fuckin hard core good shit
Wow guys, nodding like a motherfucker.  Honestly took a good bit too much.  This si weird, it's like my tolerance fuckin crashed down at high speed.  One possible guess I can think of is I've been used quinine containing tonic water for potentiation but I've used it in the past and don't recall such remarkable increase in effects.  Improving effectiveness of drugs through enzyme inhibition is always kind of iffy I suppose, probably a lot of factors invovled.  Anyways, good shit guys.
oh man this was a great opium tea today.  IDK what I did but it hit me so hard today.  I've been nodding out for hours and already puked twice.  It's awsome
stim dick man hard core
I was in this town, cars were getting stuck in piles of snow, construction equipment drilling in sewer pipes spewing shit all over the people walking by.  They wouldn't let me cross a construction site which was in the way of a main road, and I had to sneak in and out.  They tore apart the town apart from a giant white modern apartment building to build some kind of tunnel running past it.  I went inside korean supermarket where there were bleach white washed poppyseeds and defecalized fish.  there was a massive fountain, a tube running inside the pool 
i am so naive i have no idea wats going on
What are you looking for?
star gazing i believe it's called
i suspect i saw stars exploding and weather balooon peerhas
I feel kind of strange.  I've looked through some photographs and they seemed edited (photoshop) and strange, and also the people looked like mutants or victims of radiation and such.  I've also watched this TV show, it showed real photographic film, but i kept mentionining to myself how it is actually computer generated imaging.  I was convinving myself it was and that technology was capable.

I suspect the dopamine levels are currently through the roof.  There might be a seratonin spike tomorrow, but for the next week or so, my seratonin levels will be very much depleted.
to feel like a king
very great experience ego, remember this one
weather baloon, tv show, great, magic
could not feel heartbeat, extreme stimulation, current refelectiion
I've been trying to change up my sleep schedule a bit which resulted in very prolonged and uncontrollable episodes of continual sleep paralysis.  In which, I am unable to tell if I am awake or asleep and would hear and see things like little kids banging on my windows or a voice having coversation with me.  When I think I finally woke up I do not realize that i am still in the sleep paralysis yet i feel i have control over my body.  It is strange.  It may seem like a lot of fun but when 'shit get's real' it is extremely frightening and unpleasant and you mind feels lucid when it is really not lucid.
it's been a week or so I guess and lately no ants.  I guess they decided to fuck right off, can't say why exactly.  I have some plants growing on my window and I often see a few mofos running around in the dirt but lately they have not been invasive.  
i've vacumed the spot from which the ants appeared to be coming from, and now about 20 hours later, i am still seeing ants wandering my desk.  I'm unable to locate the point at which they are entering my home.  I may report more on the ants later.

I feel I should mention that i have a bit of interest in mathematics. Less so about magic numbers and such, but more into graphics & geometry.  I am also into the math on electricity and magenetsim lately.  Mainly im into the math that can be applied in the form of a graphical computer program.  I feel like i should maybe start posting images on this blog but i do not want to make it heavy loading.  So far everything's on one page and i am not a big fan of multiple page blogs, but at the same time i need to rethink this style and format.
I'm noticing a large influx of ants.  They seem to be migrating from behind my desk, I will take a look there tomorrow, perhaps tape up the floor and vacuum.  Ants are quite interesting, though.  They are like little robots = a real evolutionary miracle in a lot of ways.  I have been killing them and wonder if upon death they may release a 'death pheromone' and keep the other mofos from coming in here.  We'll see.
there's been this spider infestation in my house.  I guess right now & it is warmer so they are fucking a lot.  I don't mind them so much as long as they fuck off my personal belongings.  I usually kill them if they break those rules, but it is like they are asking to be taken in & experimented on.  I just dont want them crawling around my pillow when I am sleeping or nesting in my jizz rags.
I have been looking into hardware drivers under linux.  It seems like a real mess with this mix of open & closed source drivers, users frantically pulling their hair out trying to get things to work, X being a bloat complicated mess & so on.  I'm looking at intel manuals & graphic card registers & so on and trying to get something compiled and working.  So far, I'm in the stage where everything is overly complicated over my head & I feel like a first grader studying for phd math exam.  Perhaps when I reach some understanding I will realize there's no time or resources for me to figure it all out & get something working.
I have been looking around for a program that would display the status of a laptop battery under linux.  I've opened 2 of them, and noticed that they all parse a text file that's located at /proc/acpi/...  A text file full of text that's difficult to parse.  Anyways, I've written this one that's optimized for my system, and injected it into the source code of my window manager.


int main() {
        float capacity = 2600;
        char *time = "3:40";
        char str[256];
        FILE *f;
        f = fopen("/proc/acpi/battery/BAT0/state", "r");
        if(f != NULL ) {
                fgets(str, 256, f);
                fgets(str, 256, f);
                fgets(str, 256, f);
                fgets(str, 256, f);
                fgets(str, 256, f);
        strtok(str, " ");
        strtok(NULL, " ");
        snprintf(str,5,"%d%%",(int)round(atoi(strtok(NULL," "))*100/capacity));
i've been playing around with opium, rather poppy pod tea, and it is a pretty nice buzz.  There are a lot of these annoying allergies, which seems to be due to histamine, sort a pseudoallergy, and my face, legs, chest are very itchy.  The worst thing is the hiccups, which may not be due to histamine .   the hiccups are annoying.  eating some food makes them go away, but they return soon after.

anyways, ive played around drawing stuff in the terminal, sort of ascii art.  It almost looks like a screen of pixels when set in lowest font in xterm. not very useful, but perhaps if you want to get some quick idea down, might not be worth using graphics like xlib or sdl & such. But there is also gnuplot for this i guess.

i am tired of these black outs i should really just stick with the opium.  i found that gum helped really allievieate the jaw spasms but the mint and menthol were really intense and burned down to my throat.  I would recommend myself the large sweeter chewy bubble gum
goddamn have not touched this blog for a while.
I need to get my shit together quickly, i have been not very productive lately.

My dental health seems to be getting worse.  I find drinking lots of water and stayign hydrated allivieted the gum pain and bleeding.  It may be worth looking into a dentist though.

i've done some not bad work in the C language with SDL and am looking into writing a few apps for the android phone.  I'm not too sure where to start though.  I think if i write the app i have in mind i could not write about it here because i may have to reveal identity or something, i need 
I black out last night. woke up today, there is a small scar above my eyebrow and one of my teeth is really hurting.
hmm, I've seemed to have messed up some of the file premissions on this website, and a big post that I intended to post is gone.  I do not feel like rewriting it now, but it is an important record for this blog and will do it some other time probably.

lately i've been waking up with some anxiety and dysphoria. I worry that my health is about to crumble or that I will feel a lot of pain because my back will injure or my teeth fall out.  Today I woke up with dreams of lots of assorted pictures in my vision and it was really confusing and unpleasant.  I'm not sure why i am going through this now.

I sometimes think that I have lived a very healthy and pain free life and I just woke up to a realization that there is a lot of pain, like tooth pain, or back pain.  I am not suicidal but I think about the eternity of time and what would happen if i was never born or if I were to kill myself.  

Sometimes I wander off the day to day headspace and think about how insignificant everything would be if I were to die.  Death and the eternity of time seems so huge, infinity huge sometimes.
this time the trip was pretty successful at 350 dph/600 dxm.  I dosed them both at about the same time which worked well because the kicked in together and the dxm lasted a little longer after.  The nausea was unbearable.  I was an inch away from puking for about an hour but i managed to keep down and i am proud because it was tough.

it started out with dph visuals and under my table i was seeing little transparent men and stuff.  I spend some of the day playing GTA:san andreas and I was seeing vivid characters and cars from that game running around my tables.  I was kind of annoyed at all the GTA stuff because it sort of started mixing with reality and i would think as if i was in the game.

as the dxm began to peek I was experiencing the familiar bizarre effect of strong dxm dissociation mixed with dph.  What happens is you get really lost in thought which you cannot control and then after you sort of snap out of it and realize you are a human with a body and been sitting in your room for the whole time.  It is kind of annoying at times because it just comes in when you are trying to think and you lost control of your thoughts.

I later lay in bed with some music and began experiencing the common delusions of dxm.  I would believe that i figured something very important about the universe and how everything was so insignificant.  I was listening to the music and I thought that the authors of the music also possessed this insight and were sharing it with me through music.  I started to think about random things and it seemed so bizarre that us humans use drugs, have sex, listen to music and pretty much anything that isn't required for survival.  I spent some time thinking how bizarre drugs are and that we have them in the world.  Same with music, I kept wondering how did people invent music and why we have it.

I saw some random people in my room, very dph-like.  I was pretty frightened because i thought they were burglars.  Saw some spiders walking around the table, things like that. Either way, a good experience.

I always want to mix a higher amount of dph with dxm to increase the hallucinations but i always end up blacking out and losing my memory when I dose high on both of them.  I will research if there is any supplement or drug I can mix in to increase trip recall.
I usually rest my forarms, wrists, and elbows on the table and other things but lately it feels like I really shouldn't do it.  I always think that i am permenantly damaging my bones or something and try to keep those parts from touching anything. pretty strange
started out pretty slow, not feeling much.  first thing i saw was writing in bright pink letters moving accross the wall.  started seeing little insects flying around and saw this bug running across my table.  i started to feel tingle in my legs and body and feeling a lot better.  then i lost all control and crawled to my bed with difficulty.  I dreamt i was being carried around my house and flying through tunnels, levitating etc.  I remember going to the bathroom almost unable to stand up and i entered there there were all these components and stuff in there and the width of the room was much wider, i stumbled to the toilet had a piss, then crawled back and searched for my bed.  went to sleep again, woke up still very dizzy, back to sleep then back to normal.
today i was doing some bicycle work and i usually stick to this one street.  on the way back, one of my pedals flew off i went off to a street going right to inspect it and put it on, barely stayed on i had no tools on me.  I started heading back and all i remember is i kept going and going down that street and became completely lost. it started to rain hard and my pedal was continually falling off making the bike unridable.  I became very lost not knowing where i am turning and it was uncomfortable and frustrating with the rain and stuff.  I eventually ended up at the end of the city and started going back when i found some buildings marking my street.  I tightened the pedal best i could with my house key, it stopped raining, pedal stopped falling off and i was on my way home.  perhaps the rain was lubricating the bolt to fall off and when it stopped at the time i found my street, everything went back to normal.
the other day I dosed 500mg dph and 300mg dxm.  I took the dph and waited half an hour to take the dxm.  I was waiting for about 2 or 3 hours and only feeling the dph but nothing interesting was happening.  I was sort of giving up and knowing that the dxm should kick in but it wasn't, wasn't sure what was happening.

I then tried falling asleep, but every few minutes I would hear my car door that was parked outside slam open.  Everytime I jumped to look out the window and didn't see anyone.  I later blamed the sounds on the radiator ( the radiator is never on in the summer ).  I remember looking out again and seeing a few shadow people trying to break into my car,  I wasn't sure what to do and decided that they would not be able to get in.  I looked out the window again, and saw only one man sitting on the roof of my car. eventually he was gone, I looked again and though that a tree fell on my car.  I honestly thought this was happening, I wasn't aware i started tripping.

Later that night, I kept seeing little children running around my room and playing.  I remember seeing this one child who had a yellow shirt and he was hiding behind this table.  I got up and tried to grab him by the shoulders, but my hands went right through him and he dissappeared, though I could still see the yellow from his shirt.  I got back in bed, and he reappeared, and I started seeing his face and brown shoes and pants, etc.  One time I got up to go to the bathroom, and in the middle of the hallway, I see a little boy sitting on the floor and playing with toy cars.  I was pretty shocked and wondering what to do with a kid in my house, not knowing it was a hallucination.  I went to the bathroom trying not to look at him, but saw his head follow me in the corner of my eye.

Later, that evening I see a long tall skinny shadow man walking around my room going through walls and doors.  I remember seeing him standing right in front of my bed looking at my closet and I was sure someone broke into my house to rob it.  At this point, I was feeling a lot of dissociation from the dxm, and the memories here are very cloudy.  I remember seeing the man's face in my head, but never on his body.  I find it's pretty common with dxm/dph I find, the hallucinations are kind of all over the place, and dont really follow perspectives of space and time, unlike in pure dph where they tend to be in your room or sounds come from outside, in sequence, etc.

I fell asleep, then when I woke up, I though I was completely sober except the expected dizziness of the dxm afterglow/hangover.  I walked out to the hallway, and started seeing random women there.  I though I had guests in my house for some reason, and I kind of quickly moved behind my wall, because I was almost naked.  I stared around the corner and they were still there staring at me, it was pretty strange, because i though they were real and the behavior confused me.  I then realized I was still tripping and went back to bed.  A few times I saw different humans walk in my door and charge at me but then they dissappeared as soon as they got close enough.  

That's about it for this once, I'm glad I didn't black out and kept my memory of this insane night
yesterday morning dosed 500mg dph and 600mg dxm.  around 45 minutes later it hit hard and my face was very hot and my hands and stuff.  I started having pretty bad panic.  I then puked on my carpet, managed to wipe it off a bit with a towel but couldn't do much because I could barely stand up.  I calmed down for a bit and was sitting on my chair, and that's as far as i can remember.  I woke up many hours later in my bed, still pretty dizzy from the dxm.

I didn't eat for a few hours before i dosed so i guess my stomach was empty and acidic and I took all the pills and gels almost at once.  I usually space out my dose.  It hit pretty hard and at once and I threw up I guess.  The memory loss, not much I could do about it, it's not uncommon with higher dxm/dph combos.  It is a shame to forget what probably was a mind blowing experience.
I had this dream today which was particularly fascinating.  I feel like I need to write about it because it offers some insight on the relationship between percieved physical sensation in the brain and the nervous system response.

What happened was I fell asleep on my left arm cutting off blood circulation.  In my dream, I was sitting in some sort of meeting of classroom and I felt my left arm became completely numb.  I freaked out and run out of the room and ended up in a hospital.  I saw this nurse or woman doctor and told her that I could not feel my left arm.  During this, there was a man in my periphiral vision who kept trying to engage the nurse in conversation trying to ask her out or something and she was annoyed.  I was demanding something to be done about my arm but she was annoyed by the man.  She had enough it seemed, and took a lit propane torch and put the flame in my arm and it burned me, i could feel the pain.  She said something like "now it is fine? you can feel it?".  but my arm was still numb, so she took a screwdriver and started stabbing it repeatedly and i could feel the pain.  I walked out of the hospital and my arm was still numb, I started getting very panicky and worried.  Then I woke up and realized I fell asleep on my arm.

What interested me is how did I know in my dream that my arm was numb? when we are asleep and dreaming our body is paralyzied to some degree so we do not move.  Another thing, a lot of things in dreams are simulated such as sensation, touch, sense of movement and so on.  It gets me interested how I was able to realize that my left arm had no sensation while the rest of my body was experiencing simulated sensation.  I don't know, i'm done writing here I guess.
The weather's getting unbarable.  It is very hot and humid, I'm feeling irritable, and have some bad diarrhea all day.  I've been running short on money, no air conditioning here, and I seem to be getting sick.  I guess this is the peak of the summer.  It is non stop sufferation here, but no doubt the winter is the healthiest time period for the body.  Insects everywhere, my skin is cut up and it is rotting and taking months to heal, the main vein in my testicle is not getting drained or something.  I don't know, this is fucking terrible.
it looks to me like i havent posted anything here for a while.  That last post I posted when I was coming up on drugs.  I was supposed to report back and write all about the trip the next day, but I never got around to it and probably wont.  I just dont feel like writing and explaining it all, but it was very intense.

This week has been pretty hot weather and I don't have air conditioning, so it is somewhat uncomfortable.  For some reason, I found myself cleaning up my diet and going to the gym a lot more often, not sure what suddenly prompted that change in behavior.  I think my brain is balancing out or something, I'm not doing a lot of thinking and just working and eating well and stuff.  But i think i will be back soon seeing as a i did not sleep today and posting here once again.
would nt be interesting to type something here?  i ll jsut keep typing random stuff right now and such. my fingers are shaking
what i described below is what they say very 'materialistic' sort of way of living.  people critisize that you know, you tell them the truth and they just refuse to believe say you are pessimistic or bitter or something you know and go back to their mental illusion.  I guess it is pleasant to be in sort of good terms with your mind and just enjoy life.

What I am you know human body right here. arms legs head. you see millions of human bodies around you and you are one and you sort of start to get paranoid you are so fragile every injury every imperfection and blemish you know.
I had a sleepless night today and it was one of those where you think you lose your mind and you feel like your life is chaos and so on and have urges to leave the house and do something crazy.  i'm still feeling some of the after effects and even though I haven't slept all night i'm having a hard time falling asleep at the moment.

i guess ill calm down you know go to the gym, do some programming, play computer games and things will be fine.  it has happened before, it will go away soon. and it will probably come back in the future.

it is a strange thing what your mind can do you know, all the sufferation it can cause.  I believe as abstract and complex human brains are, everything still roots down to some laws of you know living organism evolution.  The thing is evoluion isn't perfect. it is a trial and error process, and it can really punish you if you do not behave in the most optimal matter as it defines for you.

really what is better? being a sort of aggressive competitive man and going around proving your superiority trying to change the world? or is it better to sort of 'live and let live' as they say and settle down with love for a woman and start a family.  both seem to enforce some evolutionary process but they can really run into each other you know.  it is tough knowing that any pleasure you get is some fake illusion your mind rewards you with what's left is your mind punishes you hard if you dont abide.
Humans have science and chemistry and math and so on.  But to think you know, laws of existence, how could a true law of existence ever enter a 'brain' of a human without also following some law of existence.  Is it possible for a human brain to somehow synchronize with the laws of existence?  but this synchronization would still submit to some law of exitence.
how you react to fear or how you react to this situation and that situation is an event no different than the event of light striking your physical persence and casting a reflection.  that's the thing you know, what are people? what are humans? a particular combination of energy that absorbs/reflects exterior energy in a manner particular to our identity?

i am not suicidal but i sometimes feel like if I die a billion years from now is no different than if i die right now.  There are tools to kill myself at my posesssion.  Is it the knife in the throat?  or a mask connected to a tank of helium or nitrogen?  but the thing is i am not going to die.

but it is a tough thing to think that every letter on this keyboard that i press is some sort of set in stone law of energy reacting with energy that gets so abstracted in my brain.
I'm drinking this homemade carrot wine.  It is like carrot juice with a bit of other random juices I mixed in with some raisins and bread yeast.  It is good shit, tasting pretty strong.  I'm going to take some diphenhydarmine in combination to enhance the experience.

One thing I wanted to write about is what I was thinking today as I was waiting for the bus.

When does a person know something.  And by 'know' I don't meant doubt or predict, but know for sure.  Like I can say I 'know' for sure there is a computer monitor infront of me or I 'know' for sure that I am sitting on a chair.  I have no doubt that there is a chair under my ass.  That sort of knowing 100% sure is what I'm talking about.  I guess to achieve that, you must have some very hard facts to convince you.

The scary thing is that sometimes you 'know' something, but in reality, there is no hard fact to back it.  Some times I 'know' what some random person on the street might be saying even though I haven't really heard him say it.  Sometimes walking down the street I 'know' that someone walking by knows where I am going or what I have done.  Ofcourse there is no way they can know, but your brain for some reason does not allow such rationality to affect its decision.

I guess as a surviving organism and a member of society, you must keep these urges of your brain under control, and must have some sort of reliable grasp on the physical reality.  It is difficult, you understand?  Some things can make you unbarably sad or irrationaly scared and give you a very difficult like.  I wonder what causes that and how can I take full control of my brain and my life.
I guess it is called anxiety.  the sort of stab feel in your stomach.  I feel it sort of touches on a 6th physical sense the sensation of fear or danger.  But it is not the same, it is 'sweeter' you know, more acidic the anxiety.  It is sharper in its own way. 
I learned that you can have an emotional attachement to something sometimes.  But an emotional attachement to what?  A certain thought?  Or a certain thoght in combination with physical sensory input that may include vision sound and touch.  Damn, I'm hearing sounds from my window it is irritating me.  But yes emotional attachement.  You can really scar your brain.  Sometimes these images get so burned in that walking through a dark room you start to see them appear infront of view.  They are not vivid but they are there.

You look at the source of these images and you feel a sort of sharp stab in your stomach and you have difficulty breathing.  Tough to say what's going on.  

It is a tough realization to make to see yourself as a human body and nothing beyond that.
Lately every little black spec or every little piece of string lying around in my house is looking like an insect.  Usually in the corner of the eye you see it crawl or something and then you look directly at it and see it's just a piece of string or something.  Somethings on first look are looking pretty vivid, like you see legs and wings and like claws or a stinger in the mouuth and you have to take a second look to reassure yourself.  It is kind of frusterating.  Perhaps I should just really clean my house and make sure the floor and are walls are a solid color perhaps that sort of unlikableness of living in a non cleaner house is the source of this worry.
This carrot wine turned out to taste pretty strong.  I don't want to drink to much of so I can't really judge it but I suspect it turned out very well.
I had a very torturous night today.  It seems pretty strange and ridiculous to read this, but this is what happened.  I took a few slipping pills and everything was fine but then I had to take a pretty bad shit.  After I took this shit I went back to bed and this is what happened.  My ass muscles that keep the shit in or whatever kept flexing without my control.  I could not stop it.  It became very tiring and frusterating but they kept flexing and flexing and I could not do anything about it. I was losing it pretty hard that night and it lasted for hours so I got no sleep because of it.  I wonder if this happened to anyone else.
You know the tea, the apple wine, the bicycle rides, the mental problems etc makes for a really sort of unclean existance.  I don't know, it seems like it may have some advantage.  Like TV static ruins the good parts of the show but maybe it makes the bad parts more bearable.

There are definately things that could make my life perfect and aren't too tough to achieve, but it does seem like I shouldn't sink to that and have to try and be innovator inventor even if I can't it is better to strive for that shit instead of living a stable life.
I've been making a new batch of my homemade apple wine and it turned out really well today.  I usually enjoy drinking a little bit before my bike ride, but today was pretty intense.  I cycling for a few hours drinking the shit and was feeling just fine.  About an hour after I finnished drinking it hit me real hard.  I could barely see anything and I fell off my bike twice.  It was pretty fucked up, I'm glad I made it home and didn't lose anything.  It's really tough to believe what this homemade shit can do to you.
I am feeling pretty dizzy now, kind of strange dizzy.

I have to wonder, what am I doing with my life?  What is going on in my brain?  I guess I have a lot of worries and I get obsessed with things easily.  I wonder if I could live a strict normal life where I wake up, go to work, socialize with people for a bit, then go to sleep and repeat.  It's tought to decide what I should do I guess, the past few days have been pretty strange.
well I haven't slept all night today.  I feel pretty anxious, exhausted, and my heart is beating really strong.  I can feel my heart beat in my head and it makes it look like the whole world is shaking.  I've got to fight through this for a few more hours then I can get some sleep.  Then back to work.

This sort of reminds me of one time were I stayed up for like 3 days programming.  After about 8 hours of it your sort of start to lose your mental 'sharpness' and you end up just writing stuff and testing it to see if it works by pure chance.  I'm kind of having this mentality atm.  I really hope my life improves soon.
Today I had some pretty strange sleep. Yesterday, I woke up at 4 pm or so, then I screwed around for a bit, then went back to sleep at 6 pm.  I then woke up at 2 am, took some pills, jacked off for an hour, then went back to sleep waking up at 11 am.

I must say I had some pretty vivid and bizzare dreams. I can't remember them all exactly and cannot write about some of them but they were very strange.  There was one were I was writing some stuff, and some random guy came up to me and took all my pencils and pens.  Another one where I was waiting at a bus stop with this friend of mine who I haven't seen in 5 years, and about 20 buses or so went by with strangly numbered and none of them stopped.  Very strange buses they were, all different sizes and colors, some had different lights and very scary drivers. I do enjoy these kinds of dreams.  I don't your mind could ever come up with shit like this under normal circumstances, so it is very interesting to experience these thoughts.
well im thinking what to type here, i really dont want to type, it is such an effort to type.  what's happening is my stomach feels a bit uneasy but my throat is a little blocked so it is difficult to swallow.  i've been playing music for a bit and often drums and stuff in the music would freak me out because they don't sound like they're coming out of the headphones, but elsewhere.  i'd have to say i feel a lot better than I did like 10 - 15 minutes ago because I got myself busy typing this and walking around the house.
Today I ran out of black tea and I had come up with a bit of a replacement.  I had some loose leaf green tea, but green tea sucks and it tastes like rotten salmon.  What I had, though, was this natural mosquito repellant made from citronella.  I made some strong green tea then I spayed that shit in it and it gave it a bit of a lemon flavor and definately masked the green tea taste.  I washed it down with 3 pseudoephedrines and felt pretty good.

Let me ask you this, who in the fuck though it would be a good idea to mix black tea with this nasty horse shit called bergamot?  That is what the popular "earl grey" tea is.

Right now I am about to play some computer games and then have a six pack of beer with like 4 or so sleeping pills.
These next couple of weeks appear to be rough for me.  I am out of drugs and have a lot of work to do, so I'm afraid I may not post any good content here for a while.

I am planning to improve the blog and make it more interesting with new features and stuff.
I must share this music video.  The occompanying video is particularly interesting, will grab your attention and make you listen to the music that you may otherwise overlook.

They seem to use some sort of horn, which is a repeating feature in a lot of music from this particular artist.  As a young kid, I took a drinking straw and cut it into these reeds, as instructed by a book I had a the time, which produced a similar sound.  It took some effort to blow on it so I could never achieve such a wide range of notes and clarity and speed, perhaps something to work on this.  reproduce that music instrument. 

Here is the music video by the way,
Today I've been doing some good programming work while drinking this six pack of wheat ale.  I enjoy this particular beer, reminds me of something I would brew in my closet.  Sadly, I cannot show you the programming work that I've done because it is commericial work and I would have to identify myself in order to publish it here.  If I do not indentify myself, which I won't, but still post it, I will have the FBI at my door with charges of copyright theft and pilgrimism and I do not want to deal with that.

In other news, I had a pretty bizzare dream today.  I am not one to look for meaning in dreams, I believe that dreams can be very random.  But one thing I will aknowledge is that dreams can really hit and emotional 'nerve' in some cases.  Perhaps you are afriad to do something or have some self doubt about something, but managed to forget about it for now.  A dream could remind you of that and you will wake up with those feelings of shame and fear returned.  This is sort of what happened to me today.

I guess I must say is that as a person I enjoy thinking and ideas, but I must remain bound to society and stuff.  Right now perhaps I am 60:40, but am trying to transcent into 99:1 or so.  That really requires a sharp mind, time, and money.
These sweet potatoes lie on my ceramic plate.  I have a good mind to put them in the oven to increase their crispiness just a little bit, but I know putting ceramic in the oven makes it hot as lava.  What a weapon that would make, a ceramic plate sitting in the hot oven for an hour thrown right at your face.
I've been eating these sweet potatoes.  This is the first time I tried eating sweet potatoes.  I don;t know.  They taste like, ok it's been 10 minutes as i was typing this sentence.  I can't quite decide how I can explain their taste. It tastes like baked fruit of some sort, like baked pie or something.

Let me say this.  They are not VERY sweet, but they are TOO sweet for what it seems like the level of sweetness they SHOULD have.  Like if eating something that shouldn't be sweet, they would be too sweet.  But if eating candy or something that should be sweet, they are not sweet enough.  This same sort of duality exists in things such as fear or anxiety.  Are you going to pass out from your panic attack, or is it going to be relieved after some short time?
holy shit i can post shit here from my phone!  i am outside right now and i got bit by a fucking mosquito
I started this blog to record my thoughts, but now I am feeling that it is a bit of a burden to post it here and nothing's really coming to me in the past.  I tried to make this very simple & informal blog so that i can quickly post some shit any time, but I guess I will have to wait until something good comes to me.

One thing I've been noticing is the fucking insects.  This time of the year it is very hot & humind and it seems like insects are making their way inside this old apartment of mine. One evening I saw this fly or moth on the wall and I hit it with some paper, it died an it's body in its form stuck to the wall, which is cool. his whiskers or antanae or whatever are still stretched out and i guess from the wind or air currents I keep seeing them wiggle like it's still alive, which is cool.  knowing it's dead there is still a half second of doubt and hesitation, and that's all that it takes is a microgram of doubt to hypontize a man.
it is time for tea yes. one of the few things i have left that i enjoy is drinking tea. put it in a glass jar, use about 4 - 6 tables spoons of some dirty loose leaf black tea picked in the fields of the third world, pour over it with boiling water and let it sit for 30 minutes
i've started this blog and it should be pretty good. i like this format but i will realign things and add some links and picture to the top because i dont like how the text is so close to the edge of my monitor.

it should be better than the formal blog software that is popular. i plan to add things to this at any time, different length, variety of content. it is good